How long are you REALLY staying here?

This is a question I’ve found difficult to answer. Not because I am unaware of how much time I have left in Albania, but simply what the idea behind the question is. There are a few questions that I have auto-pilot responses to (how old are you, where did you live in America, why are you living here etj.). The question of how long I am staying here was a hot topic when I first got to site, one that was often met with confusion, but after reaching my one-year in country it has begun to reappear. I made the decision to be as honest as I possibly can (chalking that up to integration), so those I have grown relationships with are aware of the ups and downs that I’ve gone through here.

One of the more profound moments I recently had was at my host family’s house, celebrating the youngest daughter’s birthday. We were all sitting at the table ready to dive into the birthday feast (Albanian feast food is DELICIOUS), when the guests around the table began to offer wishes onto Biolinda’s life. It is pretty customary to go around the table and respectfully give wishes of success and a long life to everyone. It was my host grandmother’s turn, and she looked to me with such a sweet demeanor and wished me another 100 years and that the next year of my life would pass quickly. Such a simple statement, said with wonderful intentions, but in a way it really shook me. I politely responded that in fact, that was not my hope for my time in Albania. And somehow up until this moment I had not really grasped the idea that the time we have in our life is one of our biggest resources.

One thing that appealed to me when I applied for Peace Corps was the 27-month commitment. I had been involved with multiple different service organizations in the past, but they were mostly short term deals (except for some areas I frequented during college). I can date back my curiosity for the world to these experiences, and I was very privileged to be able to encounter different countries, cultures, states, and communities during these programs. It had always seemed like such a simple decision to go on these programs, I mean what’s a week or two in the grand scheme of things? I’m thankful to my naivety for thinking of time as simply just another service I can offer. I’m so grateful for this time that I’ve learned is to not only be a resource and helping hand for my community, but to also grow and work on myself.

I’ve debated over and over again on whether or not to be brutally honest in this post, which has delayed my writing it. But what I’ve come to learn is that transparency and vulnerability do not make you weak. Throughout my time in Albania I have had seasons of joy, success, and optimism. Alternatively, I have had seasons of sadness, loneliness, and regret. This past November, I was offered a special needs teaching job, one that would cause my pretty immediate return to the United States. This opportunity smacked me in the face with the reality- how long am I REALLY going to stay here? Was Albania where I needed to be? This was a period of just agony for me. One of my many character flaws is that I am terrible at making decisions, the constant fear of making the wrong one ever present. I won’t bore you with my inner turmoil, but in the end I decided to stay in Albania. A hard decision, one I believe is the right one, that I am so glad I made.

I think I speak for many of us that addressing our character flaws is not something we go into super willingly. While I have my own talents, being a Peace Corps Volunteer has revealed to me a lot of weaknesses that I have. In life, I had previously been able to simply power through areas that were uncomfortable, but living on my own in a foreign country makes it a little hard to pass the phone to your mom :) I’ve learned that while I am an advocate for these kids and this community, I also have to be an advocate for myself.

Above all, I am happy here. My little community is filled with teachers I’ve grown friendships with, students that give me endless hugs, and little club meetings that give my afternoons laughter (and a little bit of stress sometimes). One of Peace Corps main “goals” is the idea of peace between countries beginning with friendships, something I grossly under-estimated before arriving here. While there really is NO WAY to replace my loved ones in the U.S., my time here is spent being gifted random citrus fruits (oranges are the current seasonal choice), in a place that has beautiful mountains on the coasts of beaches, with a community I’ve grown to call my own.

So while I wish time could speed up until I see my beautiful niece, future nephew, loving friends and family- I hope that from now on my days aren’t spent waiting for Friday or waiting for March 2020. I hope they are spent enjoying in this unbelievably hospitable community that I’ve been welcomed into, hoping I remember this feeling and these people for the rest of my life.